You know those moments. A sweet innocent child suddenly has turned into a 1980’s Gremlin and you’re looking for a microwave. (Not really, but really.) Or maybe it’s the slow build up. The whole morning is a study in advanced passive aggressive laser-eye-looks from a 3rd grader who just happens to be your daughter. There’s so much huffing and puffing and slamming of doors, with “Nothing wrong” that you feel like a class 5 hurricane is abrewin’ and you have no idea how to batten down the hatches…for the 5th time that week.
I’ve taught high school for over a decade and was an instructional coach for teachers. But what really shows I got skin in the game? As a teaching expert—who has led countless trainings, taught at the university level, and also coached teachers—I’ve also homeschooled my own children. And Yes, I too have walked out of the room so I don’t scream (again!), hid somewhere in the house to cry quietly while I pulled myself together, and doubted myself as both a mom and a teacher…and sometimes reasonable human. So here’s 5 quick teaching tips for when you are about to lose it. (We’ve all been there friend!)
5. Change your Physical Space
Ever get the advice to take a crying baby outside when nothing else works to soothe them? I’ve done this many times in desperation, and it almost always works. Changing your physical space not only works for a baby, but older kids too. Heck, it can help change the adult’s mood and do a mind reset.
So if your child is gearing up for a battle—fists balled, eyes squinted—as you sit down and open that reader. See if they will cuddle with you on your bed or a big bean bag chair. If you aren’t sure if they will move, grab a juice box or a snack and say, “I have your snack in here. Come on, I’m excited to read this book with you.” It’s not a bribe, it’s something to bring up their blood sugar and for them to hold onto when they might be feeling angry or nervous about this academic encounter.
Did the sun just come out and you have to run through spelling words or times table flash cards and your son is hiding under the table? Use the sunshine as an excuse to go outside. “Hey look it’s sunny!” Grab some jackets and head outside. Call to him under the table, “I’m going to do a jumping jack for every card you try—two if you get it right!”
Just getting up and moving can help your body and your mind move on from the negativity and stubbornness that might have been settling in…and not just for the child.
4. Do Something Weird or Funny
Are you teaching a group of students or a class and one student is being rude? Maybe they are mouthing off and just won’t shut up be quiet! Now this “group” can just be your three kids and you are kind of ignoring it because that’s what your oldest child always does during math. But today…things are ratcheted up to 11. Try this trick—Do something funny, unexpected, or weird to disrupt the negative mood and switch gears.
This is actually a real technique in teacher education books. I kid you not. But when I volunteered with a youth group I saw a youth pastor actually do this technique expertly. A group of teenagers started attending this youth group who came from very difficult families. They loved the youth pastor’s honesty, hilarious stories, and unconditional love for them. But they could be not a handful…but handfuls…lots of them full of profanity, sarcasm, and obtuseness. During the beginning of a fling fest of anti-everything Youth Pastor Eric started clucking like a chicken. The meeting time was about to start, they weren’t sitting down and were so distracting, we couldn’t even begin. So he just went over there and was a chicken herding them into their seats–flapping arms and everything. It was hilarious. The kids were wide-eyed, mystified and a little startled, but they sat down and were quiet. Eric didn’t talk about it, but immediately went up front and started the night.
You can’t be a chicken all the time.
You can’t be a chicken all the time. It only works occasionally. You need to have a relationship with the kids. Doing something like that can also escalate a situation depending on the student, so be careful. You’re pulling out a big gun when you use the chicken.
Other techniques—When your student is in the middle of a diatribe or fighting with you—balance a pencil or book on your head, sing a song in opera style. A guiding rule of thumb is—you are doing something out of character or funny, it could be making a fool out of yourself—but not them, in order to almost physically disrupt the mood or tone in the room. With a difficult class, I only use this technique 1-4 times a year…unless they love the chicken. Then I might just cluck once in awhile for a laugh, as a reminder that things are getting out of hand and to elevate the class tension, getting us back on track.
3. Take a Break and Evaluate
If things are heating up, don’t hesitate to take a break. You might be wasting that time anyway trying to make the student do what they need to do—and they still won’t. So have them switch up their environment and take a break. If you’re at home—go outside, to another room, have them do a small task for you like pick out the snack. If you are a teacher in school, maybe you have an “urgent” errand for them to run—like checking your mailbox.
Take a break. Educationally speaking, you are going to waste that time anyway if you are at a standstill.
Then take a step back and figure out what the root issue is. Does the child always seem to have a melt-down Every. Single. Writing Project? Remember, if you can predict it, you can prevent it. Maybe, like my daughter, they don’t want to do something unless they are perfect at it. Maybe the work isn’t challenging enough and they are bored. Or it is challenging enough, but they are still bored—and if you made the writing project more engaging with a topic they were interested in or they published it authentically, then they would be engaged.
If you can predict it, you can prevent it.
Are you stumped on what is going on? When they come back from the snack, see if they can chat with you if she has any insights as to why there’s a melt-down. Too often we don’t ask kids what they think. They might have a valuable insight and this also helps to develop student metacognition—students thinking about their own thinking and learning. A valuable skill as we build learners.
2. Be Honest
It was many sessions of homeschooling before I realized my daughter was exhibiting behavior at home that she would never NEVER NEVER do at school. What did this look like you ask? Oh, let me tell you. I’d happily begin the day, with the positivitest of attitudes (though dread in my heart from previous experiences). And from the moment her pencil hit the math page the whole world turned into Mordor. Crying, screaming, frustrated, rolling around on her chair or laying on it like it’s the executioner’s block.
One day I said, “Coco, you would never roll around on the chair like that with Mr. Smith. Why are you doing that to me? I’m your mommy and I love you and have worked hard getting this learning ready for you. You would be so embarrassed to do that to Mr. Smith and if your classmates saw you. Plus, it’s mean to me and not loving.” Coco quickly sat up. She looked at me quickly; she was caught. She picked up her pencil sheepishly and started working.
I’ve told her many times to NOT do what she was doing and it was inappropriate, but somehow, showing her that how she treated me was NEVER what she would do in a public situation revealed to her how inappropriate her behavior was. Conversations like these were definitely a significant piece in changing her attitude.
1. Pretend the Kid Isn’t Yours
Does that sound callous? It’s not, it’s relationship saving and ego avoiding. In fact, this technique works so well for me. I’m going to make it it’s own blog post. But here’s the gist below.
Think of your child as your “student” and try to create some emotional distance in hard situations to keep your cool.
I’ve worked with patience, skill, and love with so many challenging students. What do I mean by challenging? Teens who left my class for dentist appointments because they were getting their teeth fixed from heavy meth use. (Which begs the question, is there ever light meth use?) Kids who were taken out of my class to get pee tests from their probation officers. Students who brought knives to school. Big hunting knives. Crocodile Dundee knives. Students who called me a “F*cking B*tch” multiple times and would storm out of the room…then would come back, and it was my job to teach them. Which was easier to do for them when I knew that many of those kids had horror shows for home lives. Or on the academic side I’ve taught teenagers who don’t know all of their letters or what sounds the letters make. Some students hadn’t read a book since 2nd grade and now we were reading To Kill a Mockingbird. As a teacher, who loved my students and my profession, I saw this vocation as a calling to ministry to love these kids with the unconditional love that Jesus Christ has shown me. I had buckets of patience. I creatively solved problems. I gave grace and held firm and loving boundaries.
As a parent, teaching my own children, I think things like: “I can’t believe they just did that.” “Ugh. How long do I have to put up with this? The rest of my life?” “How can my child, hate reading so much?!” “Why can’t they just_________?” My frustration is Elon Musk’s sportscar in a rocket. It’s taking off fast and not coming back to planet Earth anytime soon. My ego as a teacher AND as a parent multiplied times my hopes, dreams and learning expectations for my children has just ignited a combustion tank of rocket fuel. And learning doesn’t happen well in that compressed space.
One way to easily side-step it, pretend the neighbor kid—yeah the stinky one who needs more baths and love—just came over and you are helping him out. Don’t worry, he’ll go home at the end of the day.
Or maybe you can pretend it’s your niece. She sure is sweet, but can be awfully whiny sometimes. (Your brother’s wife is a little indulgent ya’ll.) Whatever. You love her and we’ll get through this hands on messy science lab that took so much prep and now has so much complaining bubbling out of it.
You can deal with your own ego-parenting-expecations-for-your-kids issues later. (And be sure to work on that…I’m trying to every day.) In the moment, pretend you get to send the kid home at the end of the day, and somehow you’ve just taken the top off of your own pressure cooker—for both of you.
And by the way, if you aren’t praying with your kids before the day starts. Do it! Confess your weaknesses in prayer and to your kids. Thank God That you get to be together and give Him the day. God will give us the wisdom to walk through these experiences and insightfully handle them, if we ask for it.
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