This sign hung from the footbridge that goes across the street on the hill near where I live. It overlooks one of the main thoroughfares in my Northwest town. During the first few weeks of our all state lockdown in March some do-gooding community members wrote “You are Loved” on a bed sheet, and hung it from the footbridge.
Mom’s out for a desperate quick walk would feel buoyed by this altruistic phrase.
It was a flag billowing out over the city that numerous passing cars could see. I know the do-gooders intent was for all the commuters (there were hardly any), bicyclists (you better be wearing a mask), and mom’s out for a desperate quick walk would feel buoyed by this altruistic phrase. But I sure didn’t when I saw it.
I thought—Yeah right. More like…
“You are judged.”
“You are judged.”
In my little Northwest corner of the universe, the prevailing ethos is—
Love
Tolerance
Equality
Acceptance
Open-mindedness
Be Kind (Literally a phrase on city marketing materials.)
Along with…Eat local. Recycle. Exercise like you’re an Olympian. Drink only locally crafted beers preferably while wearing a brewery sweatshirt or Patagonia black puffer jacket.
And to a certain point it is true…until you disagree. Then I am judged.
I am anathema.
And if I disagree with what is perceived as moral issues—Politics, sexual ethics, education issues, race and justice…and in all actuality an ever widening scope of items—It is the People’s responsibility and moral imperative to stop you, shut you down, cancel you, and even…the People should hate you.
The thinking goes, that you can be hated for your different ideas, because how can we even love marginalized people groups unless we hate you.
Hate is in fact the new mandate from this type of love.
This is the new moralism that John Stackhouse (and Lord of the Rings extra who gets killed in the first battle scene) talks about in this thought provoking article.
So here’s my real hometown ethos:
Love…but only as passionate feelings or as majority culture defines it.
Tolerance…for only what I have tolerance for (see above).
Equality…at the cost of everything else, including but not limited to: Biblical justice, self-reliance, education.
Acceptance…for everything that I feel is a fact.
Open-mindedness…to anything I already agree with.
Be Kind…except on social media, behind a person’s back, or if you have enough righteous courage…to their face. In fact, don’t be kind. Instead, share your truth. Yes! That is really what is good! It’s okay to NOT be kind, because you are just sharing your truth.
In fact, don’t be kind. Instead, share your truth.
Your previous friends, co-workers, and fellow laborers who used to partner with you in building this new utopia, upon hearing your honest thoughts can now turn on you. They are the pack killing the weakest link.
I’ve experienced this brand of “love” and “acceptance” first-hand from friends when our family left our church of 15 years over theological issues.
From one of my friends, the one where I watched her kids for a week when she was in the hospital and raised money to cover her medical expenses. We’d also vacationed together and known each other for over 20 years. That one just won’t text me back most of the time. My daughter cries missing the friendship of her kids, asking me to set up a playdate. It’s hard to plan anything when you are invisible. This, by the way, was convicting to me. Who have I let grow invisible, because it is just too hard? There’s boundaries and then there’s avoidance.
Another friend met me at a park for a walk. Previously we’d met at local breweries shrouded in our puffy jackets. Those conversations breathed over IPAs were confusing. She had doggedly told me that she doesn’t want to convince me of what she thinks, then went after my beliefs like she’s a dog and I’m the bone. I thought it was the two beers that made her more aggressive, telling me how she loves me, but then biting into my beliefs and ideas with interruptions and accusations. I was wrong. It wasn’t the beer that made her that way. The beer was holding her back from what she actually thought. Sober, as kids played in the park, she ripped me to shreds, mocking my ideas, my intellect, and my hopes for the future. It’s hard to take taunts from a friend who I had once raised my kids with, cried, and prayed with. And as a startled woman looked up from her park bench, I realized this was no dialogue we were having. And I wondered if she had ever really been my friend–and what was wrong with me that I had missed that.
(To be clear there were also some friends who were gracious, dialoging, and kind as we parted ways. Other people I’ve become even better friends with after we left this community. However, my point is that this overarching mainstream ethos is reaching the church.)
The New Ethos Might Look Like This—
- My child’s school is starting a sex education program. They didn’t tell me it was happening, but my daughter did. She was confused and felt very uncomfortable. She’d rather discuss these things at home with me. Now I want to talk to the teacher about it. I can tell by the teacher’s terse responses she already thinks I’m on the wrong side of these issues. My primary concern is that I don’t think my daughter is ready for this. But first I want to know what the this is that is now being taught. I want information and then dialogue, but I’m unsure if I will get the information of what the teacher is going to be delivering, because I think she already believes I’m the close-minded backwards enemy.
- It’s near Christmas, and I wanted to give a book on the Nativity as a gift. My favorite local bookstore that I’ve been supporting for years doesn’t have one book on their shelf about this topic. (Plenty on pagan rituals around this time of year and Santa.). I see one of the owners at the counter and consider approaching him asking after it. But then he’ll know I’m religious. We’ve chatted at the local writer’s conference, and I’ve been invited to have drinks with the visiting authors. Will I be moved slightly outside of that circle now, because I’m “religious” and might also fall into the “nut” category as well?
- The school I work at gives free breakfasts to all students. As an equity issue they want it available in all classrooms, so that hungry kids don’t have to be separated out and identified by having to go to the cafeteria before school to get the breakfast. Lots of food waste has been appearing around campus—Half-eaten breakfast bars, apple sauce containers thrown against portable walls until they explode. I’d like to bring up this issue of waste and have a real discussion about the discipline issue going on here. However, with the current dialogue around equity, I’m afraid that these valid concerns will be shouted down, and I will be perceived as not understanding equity. Or even being a racist. I am carefully guarding the fact that I go to church and am a Christian. In this forum, that could work against me and my voice may be discounted before I even begin.
- All my neighbor talks about is politics. It’s election season. He can’t believe that anyone else would think differently than him, but little does he know…I kind of do. I’m interested in hearing his opinion on different aspects of his candidates’ philosophies, but his vitriol and hate for the opposing side, makes me think those strong emotions might spill out on me if I associate with anything other than what he agrees with. And we are neighbors. I don’t want to feel hate next door in my home.
This newly coined term of “canceling” people—instead of shows—is an acceptable mode of living. I feel it in the instinctual hesitancy to wonder how my friendship would change if they really knew how I thought or voted or where I donated. It’s not just acceptable to cancel people, is culturally expected if you want to be in the morally right position.
We cancel people instead of shows.
On one of the first days of the lockdown, I stood on that same footbridge that overlooked my beautiful city, watching the clouds turn golden and pink as the sun sunk below the ocean. Our town looks like a two-page spread in a high end hipster travel magazine. On this normally busy road, there wasn’t a car that passed below me for several minutes. The gravity of the economic inactivity hitting our town settled over me. But I could hear so much more. I could hear quiet, as if the whole city were taking a long slow breath in.
The banner I want to wave over my hometown? It is the one that says “You are Loved” but not by a mercurial people that shift their moral code like light playing on water. You are loved by a God who sees you and knows you. He sees your shifting truth, your passionate feelings that lead you to blunder and rage to yourself and those you love. Your valiant attempts to courageously love that more often than not end in monologues and floundered actions. He is the truth. He knows and still loves you even in the frightening perpetuity of our own fallen selves. He doesn’t cancel us. He rescues us. And His banner is waving over you, waiting for you to look up and know the cosmic truth of Him.
He doesn’t cancel us. He rescues us. And His banner is waving over you, waiting for you to look up and know the cosmic truth of Him.
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